(Lesbian) opportunity missed

Last night a three-piece rock band called The Gossip came to K-Town. ‘So, what?’ I hear the less-well-informed among you say. Well, for those who don’t know, The Gossip are fronted by a large lesbian called Beth Ditto and backed by a not-so-large lesbian called Hannah Billie. As a consequence of the band’s well-above average lezzery content, K-Town was positively awash with lesbians. Oh, the excitement…

Normally this would mean me strategically placing myself in one of the fine K-Town bars, within close proximity of The Forum (where the band were playing last night), and getting down to some serious Lez-spotting with my homies. Alas, events conspired to prevent me from doing so, much to the disappointment of my homie, Jo. (I got an angry txt at about 7pm asking me why the hell I wasn’t checking out all the Wah Wahs that were by now, swarming around K-Town station and threatening to take over our local pubs for the evening. ‘Are you crazy, Shaz?’).

Yes. The rainbow flags were, by all accounts, flying loudly and proudly in NW5 last night. Well, I suspect, more precisely, the fake oversized Arabian scarfs that the modern lesbian seems to have adopted in favour of the more traditional multi-coloured banner, were out in force. As was, no doubt, the Superdry, low slung jeans and obligatory brown belt – the only choice for the discerningly homogenous lez. Gutted I missed out. I bet the fresh K-Town air is still harbouring a lingering essence of CK One.

Instead I spent the evening in Gipsy Hill (I know, where’s that? SE34785 or something, apparently) listening to poets and writers performing their work as part of Signals, the Crystal Palace arts festival. More on that later – suffice to say for now, this wasn’t the most hetrosexual gathering I’ve ever been to, either.

The closest I came to all the K-Town lez action last night was in my mad dash to the tube at around 6.30pm – where I found myself fighting through the crowds of young lesbians who had descended upon my (usually tranquil) K-Town for the evening’s ents. I nearly ‘clotheslined’ a young spikey-haired blond of below average height, whom I failed to notice loitering behind the rubbish bins near the tube hole. And, in the spirit of reciprocation, was nearly wiped-out myself, by a couple of Beth Ditto-lookie-likies who happened to be taking up the whole entrace of the station. Fat people can be so selfish sometimes.

My trip down the escalator was no less eventful, as I allowed myself a moment’s pause for lesbian-related thought and with a deep breath, took in my surroundings. L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S as far as the eye could see. Fat ones, thin ones, mingers, spikey-haired, long-haired, generic and fairly generic, Superdry, brown belts, Converse, Levis…Everything Lez. I almost felt sorry for all the straight people, gay men and other non-lezzers who clearly didn’t get a look in when the tickets for the gig went on sale. My only slight concern was the lack of stunners. No Hot Foxes – although, my foray into Lesbian-Infested K-Town was sadly, fleeting.

Anyway, enough about my misfortune at missing out on what was probably the most exciting lesbian event on the K-Town calander. (FYI – The Gossip are back in K-Town tonight for another show at The Forum, so lez-fest mark II is scheduled from 6pm onwards. Hmm, I wonder where Big Bad Beth and her Band stayed last night…the thought of a lesbian rock band bedding down in K-Town is almost as exciting as the thought of Kirsten Dunst stopping over in The K, as she did a few month’s ago when her boyfriend, Johnny ‘Knobber’ Borrell’s, band Razorlight played at The Forum. Anyone who says K-Town isn’t The Place To Be is either wrong or thick.)

However, any misfortune that may have been associated with my inability to check out lezzas in K-Town last night was washed away by my little trip to the southernmost tip of the London peninsula (Gipsy Hill). Despite the six hour train trip (OK, slight exaggeration, but is was FAR) the evening spent listening to some edgy poetry and short fiction was refreshingly good (if not a little lezzish). My chum Shaun Levin read a short monologue about being Jewish and Nina Rapi, another of my more refined acquaintances, read some ‘faction’ (see what she did there?) based on the so-called ‘piano man’, the guy who was found wandering around on a Kent beach a few years ago and caught the collective attention of the country for a few months. And then Cherry Smyth read some of her superb poetry including an appreciation of the lovely Sarah Lucas. All good shit. And all part of a shameless plug for a cool new magazine called BRAND, which I may be helping to promote…*Read it!*

I’m not sure if you can tell that I had no idea what to write about when I started this…other than lesbians, but welcome to the Shaz Stream of Consciousness and it’s new home. What tosh!

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