Annoying Grauniad columnist Charlie Brooker (not jealous at all about how many comments his blog gets) makes a very good point here. Check it out – I think you’ll find he’s right – spiders are the scariest thing in the world ever.
They are worse than terrorists, dog shit, aeroplanes, the Pope, great heights, slugs, snails and puppy dog’s tails, Prince Phillip, and definitely worse than mice (never understood why mice were supposed to cause young ladies to squeal so much).
Someone once suggested to me that it was the legs that made Arachnids so terrifying – something about there being eight of the hairy little (or not so little, as is most often the case) fuckers. I’m not sure about that – Daddy-Long-Legses have lots of legs too, as do centipedes and millipedes, and I’m fine with those bad boys – I’d even pick them up. Spiders, however, are a totally different kettle of fish, as are (speaking of fishy kettles) lesbians.
Spiders and lesbians are the only things I can think of that are capable of making me do that silly girly floppy-arm-waving open-mouthed dance on the spot that’s designed specifically to relive the cold-chill and spinal shiver only they induce. FYI: This routine is routinely performed in total silence – spiders almost always render my voice box useless, lesbians too, although not so often – I pride myself on my ability to scream at girls on the rare occasion where I’m sufficiently provoked.
God clearly gave both of these creatures very special powers, powers which can be used to devastating effect on those unfortunate to be on the receiving end. Guess it’s lucky spiders don’t have bigger brains. Guess it’s lucky lesbians are a minority group. Just imagine what a lesbian spider would be like…
And as Charlie points out somewhere in His Spider Blog, perhaps the most frightening part of Spider Fear is the bit when you know (or are almost certain) that a spider is in your room but you are not quite sure where, or are unable to access it with the weapon you are brandishing, primed to kill it. It’s exactly the same with the lezzers – I’m sure I’m not the only one whose had that horrible feeling that ‘something isn’t quite right’ with a (lesbian) relationship.
As painful experience has told me, if you think she’s up to something/losing interest/not answering the phone fast enough (and I’m talking hours and days, rather than minutes, for the stalkers among you) then it’s all about to go tits up (and not in an erotic way). And, as soul destroying as this may be when it actually happens – it’s not nearly as bad as the preceding period of limbo where you teeter on the tightrope of uncertainty, questioning yourself because you think you’re going mad (while she says, ‘why on earth would anything be wrong?’) rather than channelling your energy into giving her the beating she deserves.
Yeah, I’m not a fan of spiders, or lesbians. In fact the only thing I can think of that might even come close to challenging these two species for the title of Scariest Living Creature in the World, is my ex. Yes, she might claim to be a lesbian, but I can assure you that she is something else altogether…
The utterly terrifyingly fearsome Ex-From-Hell. Needs no introduction, does she?
Oh, I’m only kidding – I’m so over that ex-bashing blog thing now (but just for the retaliatory record, she is pretty fearsome). No, let’s leave it at spiders and lesbians-in-general. That said, I’d be lying if I tried to say I wasn’t a tad preoccupied by a particular lezzer at the moment. Oh.