I Swear

I spent Sunday shopping like a bitch thanks to my pal The Nicky who persuaded me to part with £80 for a new pair of pointy shoes. What was meant to be a swift trip to that ungodly vault of mainstream overkill, Urban Outfitters (wanted a very specific limited edition tee-shirt, in case you were wondering), turned into a full-on three hour bender. I clearly have no self control. But at least I now have a cool new pair of shoes.

All was going shoppingly well until I flippantly suggested we have a butchers at the “poncy pointy-toed tosser shoes” in the Swear shop on Carnaby Street (there’s usually lezzers in that shop too, although that had nothing to do with us going in there). And it was there that my eyes connected with these puppies (not Hush in the slightest):

Dean 52, black leather

The Dean 52 black leather design, with go-faster white stripe and James Dean engraving on the white sole. Fit. I am now the Rebel Without a Cause. Chase me bad boy.

However, this acquisition has thrown me into the grips of a moral conundrum with which I must now wrestle. Having spent the best part of the past year voraciously slagging off skinny jeans, I now find myself a little bit tempted to invest in a pair to allow me to fully exploit the tossy-ness of my nice new pointy shoes. I have already been assured that they do not look cool with my worn out baggy ripped Levis (trying on the shoes in the shop with the aforementioned jeans was a little bit painful for me. More so for The Nicky who was subtly trying to pretend that she wasn’t with me. Not so subtle, eh? I knew). And when I got home and put on my skinniest jeans – which, FYI, aren’t technically skinny jeans – they are ‘straight leg’ – the shoes looked Hot. Hot Shizzle, in fact. As I said, chase me bad boy.

So I find my loyalties being tested. Do I remain committed to my Anti-Fashion and therefore Anti-Skinny Jeans cause, or do I sell out and get some spray ons? It’s a tough one to call. Half the reason I hate skinny jeans is because they remind me of my ex and vacuous wankers like her who take the Dedicated Follower of Fashion lyrics far too seriously. Twits who wear skinny jeans even if their arse shape and muffin tops are telling them that it is the Worst Idea in the World, Ever.

However, there are many people who wear skinny jeans and look good. There are also people who wear skinny jeans, look good and aren’t actually wankers. Like my mate The Nicky. So maybe I should knock the skinny jeans chip off my shoulder and get some.

I reckon I might look alright in skinny jeans – all that football has ensured that the only muffin tops you’ll see near me are the sort I buy from the Sainsbury’s bakery section. And, although my arse is noticeably larger since rekindling my love of sport, it’s still by no means like a heiffer’s rear end. Maybe I’ll try some on next time I’m on C-Street…


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