The Boys Are Out Of The Barracks!

I don’t watch much TV so on the odd occasion that I do, it tends to make me a bit giddy – everything moves so fast. Another thing I’ve noticed is that when I do tune in, I always seem to end up watching the absolute worst thing going. Like tonight, when I found myself slouched in front of Gok’s Fashion Fix on Channel 4.

This is basically a gay-man-dressing-up-girls-and-giggling-a-lot sort of show. There are also piercing shrieks at key moments. Presenter Gok Wan chooses ‘cheap’ clothes from high street stores (it’s hardly a Primark jumble sale, though) and constructs lavish ensembles that are supposed to challenge something from the Dior couture section.

Every week, a fashionable famous guest has to pick which outfit they prefer at the end of the show, thereby proving that Gok is God and that you only need to spend £500 on your next outfit, rather than £5000. This week’s star attraction was Joan Collins, so clearly this is reality TV at it’s most realistic.

As you can imagine Cok’s Fashion Fix is exactly how I’d make hell look if it had to be a TV programme. But I’m yet to tell you about one very important aspect of tonight’s show – the Swimsuit Test…

Cue Gak’s co-host, Alexa Chung (yum, yum). She what is currently getting seen to by Arctic Monkey Alex Turner, hosts an interlude in each programme, where she presumably does her best to pick up the viewers who are on the verge of throwing their spare stilettos at Gok’s toothy televised face.

Tonight’s interlude was a summer swimwear test – the idea being, to see which of this year’s ‘bikini must haves’ are best at staying in place, when the wearer moves, vigorously, or swims in a synchronised fashion, perhaps…because we all do that regularly. I know I do.

This involves Alexa getting a gaggle of synchronised-swimmers to each try on a ‘fashionable’ variation on the bikini theme, before diving into a pool and doing their up-side-down-leg-kicking stuff. Oh, and there is a cameraman at the bottom of the pool – “a very lucky boy,” as Alexa comments.

This is CCTV at its finest (oooh, see what I did there?). Not only are there a troop of minimally-clad well-toned girls splashing about in a televised pool, but charming Alexa – who’s hardly dressed for a snowstorm, herself – provides an amusing running commentary, as the synchro-girls kick and punch their way out of their respective bikinis.

With brightly coloured tit-tape covering pre-watershed nipples, it’s not long before The Chung Chimes: “Oh, and the boys are out of the barracks!”

Brilliant. And safely before 10pm on a school night too…

Next up was the Tan Test – the bit where the girls get suncream rubbed into their bare bits, sunbathe for a while and then strip off to see who has the most flattering tan lines.

I’ve decided to start watching more TV.

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